Replaceable??

**I'm being very introspective today** **Proceed only if you want a glimpse of the voices in my head**

How replaceable are you? I recently read another mother's weblog concerning this very question. It made me think.

When my daughter (my oldest) was 5 months old, I started a new job. I was very excited to be working again ... to be doing something; out in the world. I found a daycare about a mile from where I was to be working, and felt very secure about it. I was impressed with the staff and the facility. My first week of work, they kept gently reminding me that I could call and check on my daughter at any time, or even pop by, during lunch to feed her (I pumped breastmilk daily). Like many mother's, work was my time off; my alone time. While I was always overjoyed to reunited with my daughter, at the end of the day, I was never tempted to call and check in on my bundle of joy. I trusted them, completely. "Take my baby please," I think my subconscious was saying. Looking back on that time, 4+ years ago, I think I felt that these people, these strangers, could do a better job with her, than I could ever do. I was happy that trained and loving individuals were caring for my child. -I was no good at it. ...Or so I thought. Less than two years later, pregnant with my son, I was laid off ... we then discovered that daycare for two young children is veeery price-y. My husband and I decided that it would be better if I just stayed at home ... for awhile ... at least until the baby was 15 months, and fees lowered. Fear gripped me. I was now faced with the very thing that I felt too incompetent to handle; and for the first couple of months at home, I was too ill and too tired (pregnancy doesn't agree with me until the 5th month, or so) to do much with my daughter. Slowly, surely, I began to crawl out of the despair. I found that I might even know what I was doing. I found that staying at home wasn't so bad. I missed working ... I detested (and still do) the stereotypes people place on women who stay at home ... but, suddenly, I was finding my way. My son turned 15 months, and I found myself saying, "I think I'll stay at home awhile longer..." He's just turned two, and I still have no intention of doing "formal work." (I have plenty to keep me busy, inside and outside the home!)

Back to my original thought ... How replaceable are you? As a human on this planet; choir director; committee member; acquaintence; etc.: incredibly replaceable. But, y'know ... as a wife to my husband, a mother to my children, a friend to those who are the closest to me, I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not so replaceable as I once thought. Looking back at certain times in my life, I'm starting to notice patterns of depression and anxiety and inner struggle that plague me. I think I often manage to appear very self-confident and "in control," but, really, I'm one of those people that needs to be given verbal affirmation, alot, or else I don't believe I'm worth much of anything ... to me, anything less than this is likely to affirm my fears that I'm dumb and have no ability to perform in an outstanding manner. Well, the "cloud" is lifting, if only temporarily, and I'm starting to realize that there are some things in this world that nobody else can do. Nobody else can be mama to MY children. Nobody else can love my husband and appreciate him in the ways that I do. Maybe some day I'll wake up and actually believe that there are other things within myself that are not replaceable ... While I do think that part of being irreplaceable is living a life worthy to be lived, I find that it's much much much easier to identify those lovely qualities in other people, all the time, than it is to do so within myself.

How about you? Are you replaceable?